Misremembering

Did I say that I am no longer nervous before my CT scans? By misremembering I was purposely trying to make my brain think that way. Think that it is no big deal. Think that is OK if the drug does not work on me. Think that other ones will come along.
But the CT scan is tomorrow and of course I am anxious. This is a "nice" clinical trial to be on. It would be wonderful if, for a change, this one caused an Apoptosis.
I'll post the results of the scan tomorrow, as soon as I can.

CAT/TAC

(foto do Joid, Macau 2001)

It has already been five weeks since Halloween and since I started my latest trial. Next Friday I'll do a CT scan and we will find out if this study drug is working.

I always prepare myself for all the possible results. I activate all my self-defense mechanisms a week before the scan. I want the scans to show tumor shrinkage. I hope for that but I am ready for any other results.

When I heard of my first recurrence, in 2001, in Macau, I was so scared that I literally felt the ground collapsing underneath me. That is how it feels when one hears of the first recurrence. It is different than hearing about the disease for the first time. It is worse, I am afraid.

The day of the scan was always full of drama. Crying, I used to call my friend Mário (who happens to be a doctor) to ask him if I could add whiskey to the awful CT scan prep drink. I hated the whole process of being scanned. The before/during/after anxiety that always accompanied the exam was just as bad as "that drink".

I never imagined that the day of the CT scan would one day become routine. I still hate the taste of the drink but I stopped making a fuss. I still want the scans to say that the drug worked but all the anxiety is gone.

Ah in case you are wondering if you can add Whiskey to your contrast drink, Mário´s answer was: NO dear, you can NOT add Whiskey :))))))

from 53rd St

I am on the 5th floor of the Rockefeller Outpatient Pavilion. It is raining. I am glad it is raining. This way, I don't feel bad that I can't go for a walk on 5th Ave.

The waiting room is packed. It is a good sign, I think. It is a sign that we are surviving. Or is it a sign that too many of us have cancer?

I just did a CT scan and now I am waiting to see the doctor and sign the protocol. I must tell you that I behaved and I drank all, well almost all, the contrast bottle they gave me. I drank something called Raspberry Ice Crystal. It tasted better than the Berry Smoothie.

The wait seems to be long for everyone. I hear some patients complaining that they have been waiting for two hours. Today must be one of those crazy days. But can you believe that there are computers with internet access for patients in every (except the 8th) floor? Not bad.

Today is Berrium Smoothie Day, again.

In other words it is the day that I have to drink that creamy white stuff (to make my insides glow like a radioactive lamp).
The day the CT scan nurses ask me if I want apple or berry. I don´t know why I always answer berry. The Barium Sulfate Suspension is terrible no matter what.

Meanwhile I have learned a few tricks:

#1
Since we can´t eat anything 4 hours prior to the time we begin drinking "that stuff", it is best to schedule the appointments around noon. Like this I can have a good breakfast and then fast for four hours. For me this works best because I hate to skip my morning coffee.

#2
The non-verbal communication that goes on in the waiting room among patients holding the contrast drinks is great. With our eyes and a few gestures we comfort each other:
I know how you feel.
yeah it is awful
good luck
Yes, you only have one bottle left...
However I still prefer to sit outside (if it is a nice day) while I try to get my Berry Smoothies down. When it is cold I find another waiting area to sit and drink.

#3
I ask for a straw. It is easier to finish the 2 bottles with a straw.

#4
I try to drink as much as possible, but I don´t stress if I can´t. C´mon they give two bottles to everyone. Even the big guys get two bottles, I figure that since I weigh 37Kg I don´t have to drink the same as someone who weighs 150 kg.

#5
I wear clothes with no metal. In this way I don´t have to change into the beautiful hospital gowns.




#6
I try to convince my friends, my husband (anyone ;-)) to try my berrium smothie
(I think Sara liked it!)

I still keep my fingers crossed
while my body is scanned.

Ontem foi dia de mais uma TAC. Já nao tremo antes de fazer o exame. Já não choramingo porque nao quero beber o líquido com contraste... mas ainda cruzo os dedos.

... and they (dare to) call it berry smoothie