HAPPY Birthday

Today is Elsa's Birthday.

Fernanda passed away yesterday. I have been trying to write but I am still too sad and too upset... and I have no right words.

This photo makes me smile. I was at Memorial Sloan-Kettering recovering from surgery # two. My cousin Fernanda knew better than anyone how I was feeling. Besides being a nurse she had been diagnosed (with breast cancer) in the same year as I was. She was also a mother.

This photo was taken in a cold January day in 2002, just like today, but we were younger and still at the door step of this cancer world.

If you look closely you will see what she was doing. Only Fernanda would think of transforming a hospital room into a spa. We laughed when we heard the lady in the next bed asking: what is this smell? There was a heavy nail polisher scent in the room. Ah don't make fun of my hairdo. Fernanda had just helped me wash it.

My cousin was a lot braver than I will ever be. The only comfort I have is knowing that I have her example to follow.

I give you this one thought to keep -
I am with you still - I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the sweet uplifting rush,
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft starts that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone -
I am with you still in each new dawn.

Native American Prayer

Lots of love to Viola Davis from Rhode Island College (RIC) friends

"If I can't effectively move people, then I would prefer not to [act]." -- Viola Davis


Viola Davis is the first person I know that makes it to Hollywood and has been put in the "Oscar radar" for her role on Doubt.
Tomorrow we (my friend Zazá and I) will be rooting for her. We have no doubt that the Golden Globe award for Best Supporting Actress will be hers and that the Oscar will follow.


"With a brief but heart-stopping performance in this week's period drama Doubt, actress Viola Davis (Solaris, Far From Heaven) has simultaneously put herself on Hollywood's Oscar radar and achieved what has got to be a near-impossible feat: stealing a scene from Meryl Streep. Although she's wont to modesty where the latter is concerned, Davis will un-doubt-edly remain in the minds of pundits as awards season trudges on, especially given the film's just-announced smattering of Golden Globes nominations: a Best Supporting Actress nod for Davis, as well as nominations for writer-director John Patrick Shanley, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Amy Adams and Streep ... "(more here)

O Nevão

que foi encomendado para a Pipocas.
You might not know it, but the last snow storm that hit the Northeast was especially ordered for the girl in red. Filipa flew from Porto to New York to spend 3 magical days with us.

À tua, Filipe!

To Filipe who flew Pipas to us

Adorámos, foi a nossa prenda de Natal. Obrigada Filipe!
... e já sabes quando quiseres vir à província, nós estamos cá.

Us in 1976 (77?), Taipa, Macau. Video of Our Street
(coloquei o video da Nossa Rua no youtube)
Left to right: Pipas, Duduca, Luisinho, Carla, Alex, Tó e Elsa

Chegou o meu raio de sol

My sunshine just arrived from Porto!

My girls

Filipa, Gabi and Maya wrote in their blogs about my
S T A B L E tumors.

A poem from Filipa


A song and post from Gabi

We are so happy
Today it rained like crazy! There was this HUGE puddle in front of my house. It looked like a pool! At night my dad had to call the the fireman to pump out the water in the basement. My mom had a flat tire but we didn't want to walk though the flood... Congrats TT Elsa! My mom and I are so happy.

News report from Maya
IHAVE GOOD NEWS
I have good news for my intiere famaily! My moms' tumers are not groing too fast. I m' so happy!

CAT/TAC

(foto do Joid, Macau 2001)

It has already been five weeks since Halloween and since I started my latest trial. Next Friday I'll do a CT scan and we will find out if this study drug is working.

I always prepare myself for all the possible results. I activate all my self-defense mechanisms a week before the scan. I want the scans to show tumor shrinkage. I hope for that but I am ready for any other results.

When I heard of my first recurrence, in 2001, in Macau, I was so scared that I literally felt the ground collapsing underneath me. That is how it feels when one hears of the first recurrence. It is different than hearing about the disease for the first time. It is worse, I am afraid.

The day of the scan was always full of drama. Crying, I used to call my friend Mário (who happens to be a doctor) to ask him if I could add whiskey to the awful CT scan prep drink. I hated the whole process of being scanned. The before/during/after anxiety that always accompanied the exam was just as bad as "that drink".

I never imagined that the day of the CT scan would one day become routine. I still hate the taste of the drink but I stopped making a fuss. I still want the scans to say that the drug worked but all the anxiety is gone.

Ah in case you are wondering if you can add Whiskey to your contrast drink, Mário´s answer was: NO dear, you can NOT add Whiskey :))))))

recaída

Tive uma recaída. Não estou a falar da minha saúde ;) pois continuo forte como um touro. Estou a falar do Haruki Murakami. Nao, nao estou a reler South of the Border, West of the Sun. Faltava-me devorar o último livro, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, a memoir. Entretanto descobri um blog onde os fãs do Murakami podem fazer detox ;)
Sim, Michael Salty estou a falar contigo.
Beijinhos
P.S. Nao me mandaste a tua playlist por isso estou a preparar the Murakami Mix.

(I don´t know why I ,wrote this post in Portuguese since half of the words I used are in English :)))) But as you can see I am talking about one of my favorite authors, Haruki Murakami).

Rita querida, compra este livro e oferece-o ao Rui, diz que fui eu :)))). Ele vai gostar. It is just like his blog.

Love is all you need

Without it, I wouldn't be able to go through 8 surgeries, 10 clinical trials and 16 months and 6 weeks of conventional chemo. Without what I call amigo-terapia. Translated literally from Portuguese it means friend-therapy.

I have written a few articles about my liposarcoma journey. I talked about the medical aspect of life with cancer. I have tried to, indirectly, give hints of how I am spoiled by my compassionate medical team and by those close to me. Yet I have never attempted to write about my trick to go through all this without losing hope or, as a friend recently said, my smile.

Right from the start, in April 2000, when my doctor and friend, Paula Pimenta, found "the large mass," lots of amigo-terapia started pouring my way. Untiring friends (family included) immediately formed an incredible support system. A system still in operation 8 years later. A support system that has only grown bigger and now also includes blog friends.

The positive aspect of having cancer (oh, I know, it is a cliché) is that it lifts the fog and we can suddenly see clearly. We can see why we are here. We can hug complete strangers for no reason. We can see that love is all we need.

OK enough ;)

I really just wanted to do a post to thank everyone for all the wonderful messages, I have received but not answered. This time I can blame it on the study drug since it makes me sleep during the day (and spaced-out when awake). Yeap, I can blame it on the "fantastic pills." Check Michelle´s blog.